Unforgiveness is like smelly trash—it tends to build up: Yesterday a few coffee grounds and an overripe cantaloupe sat rotting in the bottom of the kitchen trash can, and it began to smell. Add last night’s chicken bones, leftover pasta salad, and an empty cat food can, and its worse. Smash it down and throw in today’s orange peels, egg shells, and spoiled salsa. The trash can is overflowing and stinking up the whole house!
Unforgiveness is the trash that can smell up your marriage. Even though hurt feelings make it tempting to hold a grudge, it’s important not to let grievances build up. You have to take out the trash, so to speak. The secret to forgiveness is to not wait until you feel like forgiving; because frankly, you probably never will. Instead, decide to forgive. Below you'll find three symptoms of unforgiveness, as well as solutions to tossing it out of your life.
Symptom 1: A hard heart
Your spouse tells you they’re depressed about work, and you think, Whatever… She tells you the doctor say her cholesterol is dangerously high, and you think, Whatever… He tells you he thinks he may be having a mental breakdown, and you think, *yawn* Whatever… The inability for a marriage partner to care about what concerns their spouse is a screaming symptom that unforgiveness has caused their heart to grow cold.
But there’s a Solution. Although you may be tempted to harden your heart toward your husband or wife because they repeatedly hurt your feelings, make an effort to stay in an attitude of forgiveness. Remind yourself that you love your spouse! You may not be feeling deeply loving toward them right now—but choose to make the decision to love and care about what concerns them, in spite of a lack of romantic feelings.
Symptom 2: The silent treatment (also known as the “I’m not punishing him, I’m just not talking to him right now” treatment).
The silent treatment is usually an indicator that a husband or wife has a rap sheet of their spouses past offenses tucked in their hip pocket. In fact, their mate’s behavior has so infuriated them, they have no words left. You could interrogate them for hours under a glaring spotlight in a dingy, smoke-filled room—they’re not talking.
The Solution: Talk… communicate…share…open up. In my twenty-five years of marriage my husband and I have seldom had major change without conflict. If you’re in the habit of giving the silent treatment, begin today to humble yourself, open up, and communicate freely.
Symptom 3: Expecting the worst
As another offense is committed, the husband or wife is almost glad because it’s one more that can be added to an already long list. They’ll pull that list out at an advantageous moment to use as proof of their spouses continual disregard for their feelings.
An attitude of unforgiveness will set us up to expect the worst in our husband or wife. And when we expect the worst, it’s often exactly what we get. Expecting the worst can become like a well-traveled road—it’s familiar, it’s safe, and it protects us from being disappointed…again.
The solution lies in seeking God’s perspective on your mate and “choosing” to search for the good in your husband or wife.
If you’ve found it difficult to forgive in the past—I have good news for you; today is a new beginning! Don’t wait until you “feel” like forgiving; because frankly, you probably never will. Instead, decide to forgive. Why not start today?
This article has been adapted from Paula's book, "The Man You Always Wanted is the One You Already Have" (Multnomah, 2007). Paula is a member of Church on the Mountain, a vibrant community of believers in Crowley Lake. www.ChurchOnTheMountain.org
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